Last Saturday morning while I was sipping my cinnamon-coffee, I saw that little article about Jeff Koons porcelain figure Pink Panther.
It was up to sale. Estimated price was $20 million to $40 million
My husband was lying next to me.
“Honey! Should we buy this?”
My honey looked at my face with his severely hangover eyes and said
“Yikes!”
I was sure he was questioning himself “Why the F did I get married with this crazy boy?!”Anyway….
I said “We should buy it!!! It is outrages! It is UGLY! Something like Liberace would own!
“And something is new to break for our housekeeper Winifred!!!!”
Yeah! Have I mentioned about our housekeeper before?
Her name is Winifred. With my odd accent her name sounds like Win-Fred!
She has been working with my husband for 18 years. She comes once a week. She does laundry and cleans our apartment.
It sounds perfect.--- Well!!!!
She breaks everything. Vases, glasses, sink, shelves…
There is nothing she can’t break.
At some point I started buying everything in plastic even chairs…
I thought Jeff Koons piece would be perfect item for her to tear apart. Just like a nice, expensive birthday gift---Kidding….
Not that I have extra $20 million to spend for that shit. I mean! I don’t even have spare $99…
Let me tell more about Winifred. She is a black, heavy-set woman. She is mid-seventies with diabetic. She thinks Brian is her white son and I’m the bride-zilla
I’m very concerned about her health. Forget about her clumsiness! It is little dangerous to work at her age. But my husband refuses to let her go.
He always tells me “She is part of family”
OK! I get it but she forgets everything too. Couple weeks ago she asked my name. Helllllo Lady!!! Brian & I have been together for almost ten years.
You think, all these happening just because she is old.
NO!
She drinks while she works. You think it is water or sprite!!!
Straight vodka in a coffee cup!
REAL! I can swear on my expensive Fire Island summer share!!!
One past Thursday I was off. She came like 7 am in the morning, even though we told her to come at nine o’clock. SERIOUSLY?!!
She complained right away “I’m old, tired.”
I said “Good morning to you too--Win-Fred ! Why don’t you take some time off?”
“But I need money”
“OK! I’m off the gym! Bye!!!”
When I got back from gym, I WAS STUNNED.
Ella Fitzgerald was playing at background and Winidfred was singing her lungs out.
“My yellow basket! Tiny basket!” (something like that)
That tired woman was gone.
Her body was swinging like an enormous church bell.
The contrast between her appearance and lyrics was extreme.
Not to mention her wig was LOCATED on our red mid-modern century chair.
I couldn’t decide to laugh or cry..
She screamed “HEY!!! Welcome BACK! Let’s dance!”
I was like “OMG! OMG! OMG!”
What happened to her? Was she on something? What if she was!!—Was it prescription drug? Should I take the same thing too?
I gave her my fakest smile.. “Ha-uh-ha-ha-GUH!”
I ran to the kitchen. It smelled vodka.-- Weird!!!!?
The closer I got the sink, the stronger the smell of vodka got .
I realized a red coffee cup. I grabbed and smelled. it
JESUS! -POPE! & LADY GA GA!
She was having cocktail or pure alcohol at 10am in the morning.
All sorts of thoughts rushed through my pretty head.
“What am I going to do? What if she gat heart attack? Woman dances like spring chicken! OMG!! She will drop to death”
I ran to the bedroom and dialed my husband!!
I was whispering…
“Helllouuu!! Brian! It is me! Z!--- Your husband!!”
“Why are you whispering? I know who you are! Is this your new phone-sex voice?”
“Shut up! Listen to me@!@ We have a situation in our apartment!”
“What is it!!!??”
“Win-Fred! OMG!!!” I took a deep and loud breath!!!
“IS SHE OK?”
“Yeaahhh! She is more than OK!”
I opened the door and let my husband to listen to her Grammy award nominated performance
“My basket! Yellow basket! Tiny!......”
I shut the door immediately.
“BRIAN! Bitch is drunk!!!!”
“LOL! LOL! There is nothing wrong with that. I always tell her to have couple of cocktails.. She does that all the time. Don’t be mean!! Let poor woman have FUN!!”
“Are you CRAZY? She is 75 years old. Over 200 pounds! It is not fair to me to find massive, dead body on our carpet!!!’
“Z! Put yourself together!! Go! Get a drink for yourself! Chill out!!! She will be fine!!”
Drink 10 am in the morning? It sounds like Fire Island!!
I mumbled “MY GOD! Why can’t I have a normal life like other gay couples??? My husband, me & our two Chinese babies!!!. OH! A smelly cat!...”
I mumbled “MY GOD! Why can’t I have a normal life like other gay couples??? My husband, me & our two Chinese babies!!!. OH! A smelly cat!...”
P.S. She puked in our bathroom at the end of the day…. I’m just saying!
1 TALK TO Z! COMMENT?:
~LOL~ Shouldn't laugh so hard, but I am!! GAWD!!!!!
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