A gay man's mother day who lives miles away from his mother.... Well! That gay man is me...

Picture by "Z captures"

Today unconsciously I walked by the river. I wanted to take in this nice spring weather. It was unusually crowded. I was very surprised with the crowds. There were so many families, mothers and sons and even grandmothers. It dawned on me it was mother's day today.

I took this picture of an ordinary family. They seemed happy, loving and united. They reminded me my family. 

Since I moved to NYC (ten years), I have not spent Mothers Day with my mother. It is long way to go to my country. In fact I was like that boy in this picture. I was completely disconnected with my family. I would be like that boy, checking my phone every second.

Those days I hated mother's and father's day. I found these special days so useless. I just wanted to be left alone. 

Now! Look at me! I desperately want to be with my mom on Mothers Day. I looked at every each mother and son with envy today. I felt lonely, hopeless and desperate. I know I'm not lonely. I have a wonderful husband who cares about me. Maybe being thousands miles away from my mother made me so nostalgic and sad. I have never care about my father. Funny! He didn't care about me either. He is dead now, so it doesn't matter that much. Like every gay guy I always miss my mother.

Of course I called my mother very early morning today.  I told her  "Happy mother's day". Luckily my bother was with her. She was not alone. As every year she told me the same thing "Thank you son! I hope some day your son will wish you happy father's day"--Uuughh!

As much as I love my mother, she will never accept that I will never have a kid. She thinks I'm eccentric and the way I live is a phase. (I mean, me being gay!)

At this point!!! I don't care! I used to be very angry. I was angry to everything. I was angry to my father how he treated me. I was angry to my mother because she was clueless on my sexuality. Even I was angry to myself. What the hell was I like this? -- different than other boys!!! 

Not anymore! As I grew up, I learned to accept how people were. I don't try to change people. I just get along or ignore them.

But I can't ignore my mother, I just fake-ly laughed her comment this morning as every year. Meanwhile my stomach was turning upside down. 

Don't we all do? We love our mothers despite all their faults. Just like them they love us unconditionally.

I don't know what happened to me over the years. NOW! I miss old mothers days. I miss buying presents her for this day. I miss going to brunch with my family to celebrate this special day. 

OH WELL! I guess I can't have it all. I was suffering as gay man in my country. I moved here. I felt free and safe. I guess, every rose has its thorn.

And in this case, NYC is my rose.....

Happy mothers day mother! I miss you a lot!

Click here to red " A letter to my dead father"