All my life I had very irregular poop schedule. My white tushie could go days without seeing toilet seat. Recently following my bowels daily activity became my obsession. I take everyday as a poop challenge. As soon as I wake up "JESUS! Am I going to poop today?"
Little movement or cramp in my precious bowels makes me alert! I run to toilet "OMG! OMG! It will happen this time" But!! That highly expected shit never happens to me!!
Last week I went three days without getting my tushie filthy. I was so frustrated, hopeless and naturally bloated . I even missed the smell of my brown shuduby-duby. Under the heat of frustration I changed my facebook status to "Z is witnessing to the harsh reality of constipation once again!!-- 3rd day!!!"
One of my friends immediately emailed me saying 800 mgr potassium would cure my persistent irregular bowels. I decided to give it a try. I ran to GNC store and picked up a box of 250 mg potassium pills. They suggested Yogi "get regular" tea too. I purchased that as well. I popped four pills right there. Even though my friend suggested 800 mg potassium, I didn’t see any problem taking little bit more.
At the office I prepared get regular tea. I was so excited I couldn’t wait to gulp it down and shit madly. Guess what!!! I burned my tongue with hot that bullshit.,--Who cares!!! All I wanted to shit!!!!
After 40 minutes I didn’t feel anything. I was very concerned that I didn’t take enough potassium, so I took three more. My total intake was 1750 mg. That must take care of my stubborn bowels. On the way to the upper management meeting I started to feel little movement at my lower abs area. I felt like something was there but it wasn’t going to go out. At meeting I released two baby farts. THANK GOD! Nobody realized!!!
I went to bathroom! I got the nicest stall! I pulled down my panties gently and sat down. I pushed “Iiuuuck Iiiiuckkk!” NOTHING! I pushed harder “Yuuuiiikkk! Yuuuiikk!” ---I let go two long farts!! That was about it!
When I got back to my desk, I was angry and ambitious!! I MUST poop! I took another 1250 mg potassium and sucked another cup of get regular tea. GOD damn it!! My tongue burned again! All these happened in couple of hours. I still wasn’t feeling anything. I tried to focus on my job but I couldn’t. All I wanted to JUST shit!!!. How come I couldn’t be the other people who shit regularly??
Maybe I could get short term disability with that. I put a note on my calendar “Search for leave of absence due to extreme constipation”
Suddenly I felt bigger things happening in me. Bizzare noises were coming out of my bowels. “Guuuirk! Guuooorrg!” I ran to bathroom as fast as I could. My co-workers were stunned. They didn’t understand what was going on. I pulled down my pants so harsh that inside waistband button felt off.
OH GOD! EXPLOSION! It was loud, dirty and smelly but I loved it.
Once I thought I was done. I tried to clean my behind. Another explosion occurred. Eeeewww! On my hand?? This one followed by a harsh cramp. I suddenly realized I had to go home. I padded my crack with layers of toilet paper in case there was a leak. I told my co-workers I had bad Chinese for lunch “Excuse me! I gotta go home to handle situation properly”
On the street I was sweating and running. Again! I felt a sharp cramp! Things were moving in my bowels. I felt like nine months pregnant woman whose water was just broke. I spotted a Starbucks on 43rd street. I ran inside. I saw there was a huge line at restroom. I went the front of line, started screaming “Look people! I’m having very painful diarrhea. Either I’ll be the next one or I will shit in my pants right here and You got to smell it!”
What else I could have said to these people “Hello! People It is the time of the month!” --No! I wasn’t a girl! (Technically) I couldn’t tell them I had my period.
Before I got inside of the restroom, I realized gross things were oozing on my underwear. I stripped down myself and let it ooze to the toilet. I threw my underwear in garbage bin and cleaned up myself.
I had two long blocks to go my apartment. I decided to run as fast as I could. Here I was running on Manhattan streets like a mad cow while I was squeezing my butt cheeks as strong as I could. (HEY! That’s a rare talent! Can you do that??)
Not to mentioned I left my underwear in Starbucks. I was bottomless!!!!
I got home! I crushed on the toilet! I shit! I moaned! I shit more! I moaned louder!!
I couldn’t believe changing my facebook status brought me to this point. Well! As they say, facebook is a powerful social network. Even it makes people shit!
Looking at bright side I had the flattest stomach ever! Downside was my butt cheeks were sore for days!
VIVA POT-ASS-IUM!!! and THANK YOU BUTTBOOK!
