One of my new year resolutions was being healthier and starting yoga. I decided to fulfill my resolution at the end of May.Yeah! I was that determined and I waited almost six months LOL!! Luckily my gym had a yoga class. I didn't want to go to a special yoga place and pay extra bucks, since I had been paying shit load of money to my gym every single month especially for something I had never tried before.
It was a lovely Saturday morning. I was hungover as usual. As I approached to yoga room, I felt excited. As soon as I got in the room, I scanned through people. Shockingly there were so many girls!! Where were all cute gay boys? --Yup! I saw one. I had to be near to him. I set my stuff next to him and couragely smiled at him. Normally I wouldn't, but I must have been still drunk, considering I had peed solid vodka in the restroom just before entering the space
Yoga teacher arrived after three minutes. He was a skinny heterosexual boy. I have to tell you I don't like guys skinner than me. They irritate me. I'm so used to being the skinniest one. They make me look fat. Especially skinny straight boys are the worst.
Anyway he put on very calm music and asked "Is anyone here never done yoga before" I raised my hand.-- What a MISTAKE!! He said "You can't be at first row. Please move to the back" BUT!!-- I wanted to stay next to cute blond guy. Skinny bitch sent me to next a fat chick. Great start!!!
As every chubby girl she was wearing leggings and very short spaghetti strap tank top. I just wanted to tell her "Excuse me! Camel toe is burning my eyes!" Of course I couldn't. I wanted get along with my neighbor. My question was why ONLY chunky ones wore these leggigings??!!
As I settled down, I smelled something like combination of pickle and rotten mouse.---Sniff! Sniff! OMG! Old guy in front of me had bad feet. I mumbled "GREAT! Those will be in my mouth as soon as action starts. GOD! Can I just vomit??"
Teacher made us saying " Hmmm! Hmmm! Hmm Hmm!'
First couple f positions were easy for me. I checked out fat chick how she was doing. BOY! She was spreading her legs professionally! How could it be?!! I desperately wanted to go back to my initial spot next to adorable blond boy. Meantime my Hmm Hmm-s turned into Ugg-hm hmm!! I couldn't help it, because poisitions were getting weirder and more difficult. Couple people around me suddenly hush-ed me.
OKEY! I have been in doggie style or bunny style many times but these yoga positions were so much harder I thought. There were a lot of stretching, rolling over and bending on my knees involved. My spine was getting into bunch of awkward shapes.
The names of positions were meaningless to me like fish pose, monkey or king dancer pose. I wonder when time was for moon walking.
Suddenly skinny bitch teacher yelled "Now! All of you taking BOW POSE!" OH MY YOGA GOD! What the fuck was that? I observed the old guy in front of me. I followed him to understand this position. Basically I had to reach my hands back and take of the ankles.
While I was struggling to keep my balance, the old guy with smelly feet got already in bow pose. In a flash I saw something so disgusting!! One of his balls slide out his short. Swear on my new Gucci bag! I have NEVER seen such a big wrinkled nugget. It was like a enormous dry plum. The worst part it was sooo pink. It seemed almost raw. I panicked and fell off my left side where fat chick. My lips dipped exactly into her major camel toe. She freaked out, I freaked out too! I was almost going vomit to my mouth. Everyone was laughing at me."GLAD to entertain you BITCHES!" Teacher came and helped me to get up.
He ordered us to get plow pose. Was he kidding me?? Pose required me lifting my legs over my head and touching the floor behind my head as I was lying on my back.
Truthfully I tried!!! But I couldn't do it. Even I made baby noises with my low octave voice " Gurrgg! Uiighhyy!"
Teacher said " Let me help you!" Shit! I didn't want him to touch me. He forcefully push my legs over my head. And a terrible thing happened. It was very unexpected and spontaneous. Under that pressure I couldn't tighten my abdominal and butt cheeks. I loudly farted. Teacher immediately dropped my legs and sceamed "Gross! Sickening! Yikes!" I couldn't get up from plow pose for couple of seconds. My classmates were furious. As soon as I put myself, I said loudly "So what I farted!! It is not like dangerous OIL SPILL! You won't die. Isn't that yoga all about releasing! So I released something! I dropped little bomb!"
As you guess I will never go back and do yoga AGAIN! Fuck that NAM-ASS-TE!
Wesley, Z, Dan & Yves
Mark, Z, Brian & Kevin
Z & Zsolt
Since I was celebrating my 40th bday with Sangria (tons of), either I couldn't take everyone's picture or some of poics turned out really bad. So I snapped couple of pictures from my friends facebook.
Ofcourse there was a big cake! And I ate a big pice of it!!
Joe, Carlos, Kevin, Chris
Steve, Z & David
Phil, Z & Shawn
Scott, Miles, Chad, Dan & Kerem
Michael, Z & Richard
Z & Mark
Mike, Z, Aaron & Ernesto
David, Z & Kevin
