Dear Father
This is Z one of your sons. It has been almost three years you passed away, but I know you are up there watching me. At least I hope and believe so.
In the past I was scared to talk to you about my life and my sexuality. I will be 40 years old next week. I’m at the point of my life; I don’t hide these things anymore. Being gay is who I’m and who I’m meant to be.When you were with us, you didn’t care much about me. I was your girly son. We had never a close relationship. In fact we had no relationship at all. Honestly I can’t tell it bothered me much those days. Looking back now, I tried so hard to handle problems by my own. I wish I had had someone to talk to. I wish I could have come and say something to you.--“Daddy! Why am I so different than other boys?”
Remember! How hard I cried to convince you to buy me a doll. You told me only girls had dolls. My friends loved action movies. I only liked the movies made me cry. I knew something about me didn’t completely make sense, but I didn’t what it was.
Years went on. My problems got severe. The way I looked, the way I acted and the way I behaved was not suitable to our conservative society. You yelled at me at every opportunity “Why are you acting like a girl? You are embarrassing me and your mother!!! What are we going to do with you?!!”
There were days you got so angry with me. Couple of slaps on face was part of our relationship. Maybe they were ONLY moments we got very close.
I have no recollection at all that you hugged me or made me sit on your lap like other fathers did to their kids. I always thought I was a weird kid and I deserved to be slapped.I loved to play with my girl friends. Boys made me feel so uncomfortable. They made fun of me all the time.
Remember! You came back from one of miserable teacher and parents meetings. You were at rage. I had never seen you so mad. Unfortunately my teacher told you that I was a bizarre, girly kid. Things got very bad between us.---
You know! Daddy! I don’t even want to remember those things anymore. I try so hard to black out those memories, but sometimes something happens to me. I see my past like a black and white movie in my head. I want to stop it, but I can’t!!! I like crying when I get in that mood.. Crying makes me less angry. At the end of long crying I feel empty, numb and weak but not angry at all.
I know in deep down you loved me. You were under so much peer pressure. In our country a man must have a manly son not a girly one. The only scene I can’t get out of my head is when you were in hospital for heart surgery. Remember that Daddy!You were so sick, weak and helpless. My mother was out of it and my bipolar twin brother wasn’t in a good condition to help you. All day I had to handle your paper work for health insurance.
I was sitting next to you. Suddenly you woke up from your nap. You seemed very dizzy. I gave you a glass of water. You grabbed my hand and said “Please Do NOT hate me!”---That was it!
After that I had to go to my mandatory military service. Life took me in its hands. I worked really hard and left our town. We talked on the phone once in a while but nothing like close father and son. We both knew that I was gay. As usual “Don’t tell! Don’t ask” policy worked between us.
That late December morning when my uncle called me, I knew you were dead. Believe or not! I had had felt a sharp pain in my heart. Something like…!!! It was so hard to describe.
Daddy! I was miles away when you passed away. I couldn’t get to say goodbye to you. In fact! I never could get the courage to say “I love you!”
This letter is my last change to tell you “I LOVE YOU FATHER! Everything is OK now! Your little girly son turned out just fine. Don’t you worry about me! I take care of myself like a man! Just like you wished for! And Goodbye Daddy! Hope! You are OK where you are now!”
Happy Fathers Day!
Your son Z!
5 TALK TO Z! COMMENT?:
Z, this is one of the most moving things I've read in a long time. Wish I were there to buy you a drink, and give you a hug. Maybe, where he's at now, your Dad "gets it." I believe it, anyway.
Damn it Z, you got me all teary on a bright Saturday morning. You are truly a man that any father would and should be proud to have. I hear your pain in this piece, but what really stands out is your compassion for your father, understanding how he was raised, the culture he (and you) were in, and how confusing it must have been for him. His statement of "Don't hate me" says so much. I'm glad you have found some peace.
This was a very touching letter. Thank you for posting it. I have some very similar feelings.
And that first picture you posted? wow...I wish my dad looked like that! :)
What an AWESOME entry...you've open me up to write something like this to my dad...THANKS!
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