I ate sesame bagel with cream cheese and lox this morning, even if I disliked every bite of it. Eating that made me very happy, nostalgic and at the same time sad. I got this habit from my friend Frank. I miss him terribly. Occasionally I remember him and my heart hurts instantly.
November 12th 2001
My second language class ended at 11.30 am. I took the subway to go to Big Cup Cafe in Chelsea. I loved there I could order a cup of coffee and sit for hours. Those days Big Cup was the gay Mecca. For me it was a fun library. I did my homework and met guys to practice English.
I vividly remember that day. I was sitting on one of comfortable chairs and trying to understand how past tense worked. As I took a big sip from my red coffee mug, I realized a tall, bald, pale skin; semi-handsome guy was sitting across of me. Our eyes met. I couldn’t tell he was my type or not, but something about him drew me. I couldn’t keep my eyes off him. What was that?
He smiled at me. I smiled back.
“What are you studying?”
“English!”
“Where are you from?”
“Turkey”
Those days I wasn’t able to put words together and create one complete sentence.
“I move-- 5 months! Here!”
“OH! You barely speak in English. No wonder you are studying. Are you having trouble to understand grammar rules?
“YES! YES!”
“YES! YES!”
“Maybe I can help” His name was Frank. That day he patiently taught me bunch of grammar rules and corrected my pronunciation.
“Z! I have to go. The same time tomorrow! Here!?”
“Yes! I –be here!”
I liked Frank at first sight. It wasn’t sexually at all. I felt like he was my older brother. He was originally from NY. He had lived in LA for 8 years. He recently had broken up with his partner and moved back to city. Frank and I went to Big Cup and ate lunch at Murray’s Bagel everyday. He loved sesame bagel with lox-cream cheese. Once he convinced me taste it. I almost purged
“Eeeww! Frank! This is gross!”—We got a good laugh!
I was determined to ask Frank today. I had known him for two weeks. I loved him so much but something in his eyes was bothering me. I couldn’t figure out why they looked so sad.
“Can I ask? Question?”
“Yeah! What’s up?”
“You look sad!-Always!”
He took a deep breath. His eyes suddenly got watery.
“I need to tell you something. I’m afraid you would get freaked out. I hope you won’t”
“Freak out? No! NO!”
“I'm HIV positive”…
Flashback to 1985
I was 14 years old, very naïve and completely out of touch with world. We didn’t have internet back then. One night I was watching TV with my mother. I heard Rock Hudson died from Aids. I had no idea what that illness was.
“Mommy! Is Rock Hudson really dead? What is AIDS? HIV?!”
“It is a horrible disease! Don’t worry about that because only homosexuals catch it.You will never get that disease”…
Ironically after years I found out I was a homosexual!
Back to December 2nd 2001
I hugged him! I took a deep breath to fill my lungs with his smell. I didn’t want to open my arms. I wanted to rescue him in my way. I gave him little kisses.
I said “It is going to be alright” As tears were falling down on my cheeks.
December 18th 2001
I got to Big Cup ten minutes earlier than usual. After half an hour Frank still didn’t show up, I got little worried. I phoned him.
“Frank! Where are you?”
“I feel awful today. I have no energy! I just don’t want to leave apartment. Do you want to come up?
“Yeah! Have you eaten?”-- “No!”
I picked up his favorite and jumped on the closest subway.
He opened the door. He looked so pasty and exhausted. He went back to his bed.
“What is it going on?”
He told me his entire story. He had been with his partner for eight year. The guy had been HIV+. Frank had known that from the begging. They had been very careful.
After one week Frank he had learned he was HIV+, his partner ended the relationship. Frank had been crushed, helpless and alone.
That 6.2 feet guy was sobbing in the bed. I laid down next to him and hugged him. We didn’t move hours. I knew silence and time were only medications.
After couple days I met a guy at a bar. His name was Brian (my current husband). I was very happy. I told Frank about Brian. He was happy for me too.
After New Year's Eve Frank decided to visit his sister for a week. He flied to Memphis.
I was very busy with school, Brian and my job search. First couple of days Frank and I talked everyday.
January 12th 2001
My cell phone rang. It was Frank.
“Hello stranger! How are you? When are you coming back?’
His voice was very serious
“Z! I decided to stay here longer. I didn’t figure out how long yet.
I can’t call you for long time. You are a good kid! You will be very successful one day. I have big hopes for you.”
“FRANK! What is it going on?”
He hung up! I called back. He didn’t pick up. I was terrified!!!
Following days I tried to call him multiple times. He never answered the phone.
Something was clearly very wrong.
January 22nd 2001—4.30am
I woke up with the noise of my vibrating cell phone. First I thought my mother was calling. She could never figure out the time difference. I realized number was foreign to me.
“Hello!?”
“Hi! My name is Todd! Are you Z?”
“Yes! Who is this? It is 4.30am!!”
“I found your number in Frank’s phone book. I assumed you were his friend”
“Yes!?? What about him?”
“Unfortunately! He is dead!”
Every inch of body was frozen. I couldn’t think straight
“Is this a sick joke?”
”Sorry to inform you! He didn’t want to live anymore!”
OMG Frank! What have you done?!!!
Following days I thought about him a lot. First my thoughts started with I wish.
“I wish he were here! I wish he were sitting with me” When ever I passed Big Cup, I almost fainted.
After a while I blamed myself. It was my fault. I should have called him more often. I had been selfish with problems. And my feelings changed to deep sadness.
It has been 10 years Frank passed away. I must admit pain never goes away. It lessens but it still hurts my heart a lot. Sometimes I turn a corner and see a tall, bald, pale skin guy. I get goose bumps and strong urge to cry.
Yes! I ate a sesame bagel with lox and cream cheese this morning. I disliked every bite of it. I did it because that’s the only tie left between Frank and me.
I pray to GOD that he is healthy, happy and safe in Heaven…
11 TALK TO Z! COMMENT?:
Z- I am in tears here.
You are a dear man with a huge heart and what you did for him was beautiful. I am deeply sorry for your loss.
I lost my good man 8 years ago. Sometimes I still cry. But we must believe they are in a better place. Virtual hugs to you.
Tears are falling from my eyes...
Oh, man . . . I'm so sorry for your loss . . . it doesn't matter that time has passed . . . loss is loss. And it couldn't have been your fault, my friend . . . it's just not. As for the bagel with lox . . . a fine way to remember a fine man.
Oh Z. This is just awful and you wrote it so well. I was about to comment on how much I love your writing -- from hysterical to profoundly moving -- but am still sitting with the sadness of this part of your life.
When I was in my 20's I lived alone in San Francisco. I loved to dance my ass off and go to Jazz bars and the opera, the ACT -- everything. When I was out with my girl friends I loved the attention from men but got I was sick of them trying to buy me drinks and pick me up. I just wanted to have fun and no pressure. I already had 5 of the most gorgeous, beautiful, intelligent, talented, humorous men in my life. And they took me everywhere. We linked arms and danced down the streets of SF together. They were so happy and full of life and Aids was only just coming out then. In abject horror, I watched as one by one they lived with the then shame of it and terrible deaths. Their brightness, youth, and spirits eroding - in the dark and isolation of that time. Only one of those dearest friends is still here. This is heartrending stuff. And I'm happy for you you are with the love of your life and married. I believe Frank is very very happy for you, his dear loving friend.
Friendship is never broken by one's passing. It leaves an imprint of someone who lives deep inside our core. When we notice that part of us that reflects that friendship, we are made wiser and richer for the knowing.
You are lucky to have met each other and left one another a legacy that lives on forever. xo
I'm so sorry, Z. So many of us know this pain, this exact pain. My Frank's name was Andy, and he died 10 years ago too.
Your writing is so real, you have the ability to make us understand your world. That is a gift, Z, a real gift.
It made me cry. Heartbreaking! Thank for sharing!
I'm so sorry for all the Franks I've known and the men who love them. But how wonderful that you and he opened your hearts to each other. You were probably his last new friend. I'm glad you came along in time.
Lovely sad post.
I have a friend who's poz many years now - since the early days of the epidemic. I'm charged with scattering his ashes when he dies, but he may well outlive me (I'm 15 years older and even in good health have limited time left).
Frank was lucky to have your friendship. What's more to say really? İyi ki varsın.
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