Has anybody ever tried to ask a man a glass of tap water and gotten frustrated because the man looked at you empty?
There are Mexicans have been living here very long time, but they can’t speak a word in English. Some people criticize them harshly. Alright!! In defense of Mexicans I have to say something! (Just to clear up I’m NOT a Mexican) Learning English is not easy. There are so many crazy words and sentences. They don’t add up!!!
When I moved here in 2001, I wasn’t speaking in English. All I know couple of words and sentences like “Hi! How are you?”, “What is your name?”, “Where do you live? If it is in Queens, I’m not coming”. I was helpless. I couldn’t even go to market and buy something. I created my own sign/body language. One day I went to market to get toilet paper. I didn’t know that white roll I use to wipe my ass was called “toilet paper” I saw a giant redneck-like with enormous stomach who worked there. I ran to him. I said “I need!” and I bent over and wiped my ass with my right hand. I repeated my act happily. Redneck got almost purple. He didn’t take it well. Let’s say --I was lucky enough to leave the market in one piece. WHAT-A-DOUCHE BAG!
After this incident, I signed up for second language school. The reality when you learn another language, first you learn simple words and you try to make simple sentences. It is damn difficult!!
Meantime I had to make some money. NYC was so expensive. My savings were melting like soap under rain. I got a job as a busboy. (Yeah! If you don’t speak in English, they don’t make you a waiter. So!--You know why all busboys are Mexicans)
I never forgot a lady asked me “Can I get extra dressing?”
I didn’t understand “Sorry?”
She repeated. I thought “She must be crazy. Where am I going to get a dress for her salad? Extra dress?? Uuuuggh! These crazy New Yorkers!" My face impressions were revealing everything. I was looking at her like “Gurrlll!! What are you on? Crack?”
I ran to my favorite waiter Hunk Mike. He was the hottest and smartest one. I had a huge crush on him. Sadly he was straight (WHAT-A-WASTE!!) I told him in broken English “Mike! Woman! Table four! She wants dress next her salad!! Crazy Huh?” Mike was puzzled.” What are you talking about?” I pointed out her “A dress! Crazy wuummein!”
He ran the table and came back cracking up “OH GOD! Silly Z! Dressing is like sauce for salad" Come on!! For me dressing was a dress. Why couldn’t they call it sauce and call off the day?? Why did they have to make so harsh on me?!!!!
I learned English the hard way---At gay bars!!!
I went out almost every night. Not that I was a WHORE!!! I needed to practice my English. Some people have no patient if someone speaks in broken English. They immediately make annoyed faces, unless they are tipsy gay guys. Let me tell you something! After couple drinks gays wouldn’t even care if I spoke in Arabic. Nice ones even corrected my English and helped me with my grammar--in the bed-:):)
One night I met a guy at a gay bar. His name was Craig. Craig and I hit really well. Instead of doing naughty things in the bed we became good friends (Just like in the novel Little Women). Of course my stupid English was the biggest entertainment for him. One day we were talking on the phone.
At the end he said “OK! Bye Z! Keep in touch!” I got furious and said in my own English “Craig!! What tee fuuuck! You-I- friends! Why do you want to touch meeiii?!! Insane!!” He laughed “That means I will call you!!!!” I was laughing from nervous breakdown! Can you feel my frustration?
I have so many stories about my misunderstandings.
* When my best friend said "I hit rock bottom last night" I thought "He was the power bottom!! When did he become top?" I bit my tongue and didn't say anything.
* A friend said “That writer died in harness” I said “Well! If someone is into leather-fetish, that’s what happens! It is so dangerous! They don’t know where to stop!! Are you into leather??
* Whenever someone told me “Your turn” I turned back and looked. I got yelled at all the time!!!!
* A Friend said “Are you going to pull my leg again?" I thought “I have never touched his legs. He must be into some kind of feet fetish Geez!!!”
* A coworker said excitingly “Let’s get the ball rolling” I thought “ Eeew! I will never massage his balls!---GROSS!!”
* My landlord said “It was a hard pill to swallow” I said to myself “I knew this crazy bitch was doing drugs. She always seems unstable”
* When ever someone told me “Make yourself feel at home” I intended to masturbate.--DUH!—that’s what I do when I get comfortable home.
All I’m saying!! Be nice to Mexicans!-:) English is very difficult to learn. They are just more comfortable with their mother language. Here I said! TAH DA DA!
14 TALK TO Z! COMMENT?:
Oh my God, I loved this. I think I love you.
You're hilarious!
English is extremely hard. Most Americans don't speak good English.
I love Spanish. It's a much more beautiful language than English.
You're a pretty tough cookie (ah, slang!) to move here without knowing the language. I would love for you to write the story of how you came to live here. I will email you.
Z... English is also my second language. I have been using it for 35 years not and I still have moments when I look at people like they have lost their ever-loving minds when they say something to me.
"Break a leg" -- Let me grab a block of wood and I'll be happy to break your leg for you.
"leave no stone unturned" -- And what the heck is the purpose of turning rocks over in the first place? Trying to make both sides equally warm? Don't want moss to grow on them?
Very funny!!!!!
You bitcha'.
I got it.
Bet you feel on top of the world, huh?
Sometimes you just gotta' take it with a grain of salt.
Come again?
Catch you later.
:-)
You are SO right English is a difficult language to learn...you have words that are spelled alike but don't rhyme...words like ballet, but the "t" is silent...
Z, I laughed my whole way through this. So very funny and smart. And the misunderstandings...those were really good, very very funny.
I'm glad you said it.
Firstly, congrats on your great progress with our complicated and illogical language. I think misunderstandings make for great reading.
It annoys me how we think everyone should speak English, as if it's the most important language in the world. All languages should be respected and there should be a universal one we all learn to speak as a second language.
I have a Cambodian and a Mexican friend. I'm in awe of how much progress they make with their English and ashamed I speak nothing of their languages.
Funny post but poignant message.
I understand. Nouns become verbs and vice versa. Words spelled the same sound different and on and on. But lets get to the nitty gritty. Idioms! Half of English is idioms. They are formed from the usual words, but they usually mean something completely different.
I now live in the Philippines. (Thank you all you red neck Neanderthals; best advise I ever received, "Love it or leave it." You never know how bad a place is until you go to some place so much better.) Anyhow, they speak English over here, but they did not grow up with American idioms so when I use one, like every other sentence, they look a little inquisitive.
The problem is that in trying to explain an idiom I use three more of them. It then takes time and extreme effort to say what I want in plain old English.
Yes, Z, English is hard, very hard, to learn.
english is indeed a hard language to learn one word can have so many different meanings whereas in other languages there is a word for each different word.
When I was learning spanish, I had lots of moments like that. But English . . . yikes. I'm a native speaker, and I think it's tough to learn . . . I can only imagine learning it as a second language!
Wait, you're not Mexican?! How about Guatemalan?
the only reason as why mexicans won't learn english is because they don't have to.
wherever yo go, you'll find somebody that speaks spanish or things writing in spanish, there are spanish channels, news papers, magazines, stores and on and on.
I am mexican and knew basic words before coming to the USA but not enough to start a conversation, i remember one time talking to this girl and she keep saying "you know?" over and over again, but in my head i thought she was saying "you no" hahahaha so i was so confused as why she keep saying "you no" because it make no sense hehehe
English is a hard language, i have trouble saying certain words if i can't pronounce it then i will spell it instead.
i found your story funny and i can definitely relate to it.
Felix
Z, I'm also not a native English speaker. I share your pain... T_T
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