When I found out, there was a website called I'm from driftwood. I was so excited. I kept reading all true gay stories. I was touched by many of them. I immediately contacted creator of website Nathan Manske on facebook. I told him how much I loved his website. He emailed me back and told me I should write my story. I answered him I couldn't, because my story was not happy. He immediately responded back " I'm not looking for only happy stories". I needed to think and digest the idea telling my story in public. I have known for funny & crazy things. What if It would make a bad impact. Most importantly!! Was I ready? I thought over like one week. I did a lot of thinking and crying. Memories I thought I had put in a BLACK BOX started to pop up. Making decision was so emotional. How about my family? And one Sunday Morning I said to myself " It is my story! I lived through this. I can tell who ever I want to". I emailed Nathan "Let's do it!!"
The morning of video shoot I was nerve--wracked. How many times I was at the edge of calling Nathan and canceling all thing. I met Nathan & Marquise (who are extremely cute) in Union Square. Both were so nice and smiley. I was the way too tense. Whole video shoot took like 45 minutes. After that Marquise needed to do some editing. ( Video turned out AMAZING) To tell the truth I was shaken days after video shoot. I had so many sad stories from my dark years and I kept remembering them. Days went on. I got calm down. And this morning Nathan informed me he posted the video. I watched while I was hysterically crying. Here is the video. Also there is a transcript on Nathan's website. (Click here) Watch this video and keep reading, because I will tell you why I did it.
Did you watch? Great!!
A CHOICE??!! Really?
I'm sure there will be people might think I'm crazy because I did this. I'm not crazy. I'm just UNSUAL. I accepted telling my true story because if one gay guy watches this and gets inspired, it would be HUGE success. Those years I didn't even know what was happening with me. I thought I was a freak of nature. I blamed myself for everything. I didn't know there were people like me. I didn't know it was OK to be gay. I didn't know all those horrifying days would never end. I was helpless, scared & exhausted. So Nathan's website will help those gay guys who need some kind of support.
Please you write your story too and send to Nathan. This website needs to get bigger. Straight people should see being a gay is not gay all the time. And It is NOT a choice!!
Nathan has been trying to make a book out of his website. I will be the first one buy. I'm so fortunate to be part of this.
THANK YOU NATHAN! You are an AMAZING guys!
You can contact with Nathan from this link http://www.imfromdriftwood.com/contact/
Tell him your Z's friend
or just email me zreveals@gmail.com. I will be happy to connect you guys.
Don't postpone & write your story
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P.S. I do have a heavy accent!!!! I realized after watching this video! -:)
Z & Nathan during video shoot
30 TALK TO Z! COMMENT?:
Oh, this is heartbreaking, Z. It isn't a choice. Why would anyone knowingly choose pain? I know it's tough looking back and knowing the world has changed and wondering if he would've been your father in a different era. I can't imagine that. But, you survived and that's what is important.
Dude, I'd hug you if I could. I so hope times are changing. I love your funny side, but you know what? Your serious side is beautiful, too. Thanks for sharing this with us. Blessings, man. Blessings.
Z, I enjoy your humor and fun. Knowing something about those parts of the world, I understand what you went through. Thank you for this very personal story, yet a story that has wider implications.
Courage.
Nothing that painful is ever a choice.
I'm gay and there wasn't a form with little boxes that said: choose one, gay? straight when I was born.
I'm sorry for you how it was. But now you have wonderful people who love you no matter.
That's more important than anything else.
The emotional toll is has on us is incredible.
I would never wish this on anyone...
Thank you guys!! Write your own true stories!!
Just one more thing!
I think my father deep down loved me. He didn't know what to do with me. Being gay was not acceptable that time in my country. He did mistakes but he was NOT a terrible person.
Z
Your story is our story....thank you!
That's so sad, but I kind of know what you mean. Of course, your father was worse than mine, but I understand how you made that journey from indifference to love. We only have one father.
R
Okay, this is gonna be complex.
I'm not gay, which means that theoretically, I shouldn't even be talking about the subject. But I have known a number of gay and lesbian young people, especially when I worked in a Rocky Horror Picture Show Live Cast. We hung together, ate after-show breakfasts together, and eventually they confided things in me.
Most of them who came out to their parents (and this is no surprise) were hated or abandoned by their parents. And they made no attempt to contact them. They broke off all contact with them. Given their pain, maybe they thought that was the only course of action they could take. But...
One guy talked frankly about how his military father had abandoned him. It was one of the few times he didn't use the typical gay public behavior of acting campy or sexy or slutty or otherwise covering up. He was hurting.
I told him that I always talked to my father and mother once a week on the phone. "It tells them that, no matter how bad things get between us, I care about them and appreciate them." And then I said, "When my Dad died, the only pride I had was that I did talk to him and told him I loved him regularly. My other siblings didn't. I went to his funeral with less regrets than they had."
I never saw that guy again. I hope that, somehow, he opened communications with his dad. Whether or not his father responded, he would have known that he reached out. If he didn't even try, he probably lost his father forever, and that's a tragic thing.
Z, I'm sorry you never worked things out with your father. But at least remember that you tried. You opened the door to him. You had an open heart, which in this time is a rare quality. May you always remember to keep your heart open.
Being gay is not a choice. Knowing (or learning) how to love most certainly is. Excellent lessons here. I'm sorry you had to learn them at your father's expense.
Z ! You are one of the more fun loving bloggers.. Your work puts a big fat F in Fabulous. But there is also a serious side of you and I was most honoured by the true emotions you were so kindly gracious to share with us.
**HUG**
. Is it choice? Like people have stated, I doubt it, it would be easier to 'turn heterosexual' just to save the pain in that case.
It sounds like your father may have looked inside himself and well...
Again, excellent story, thank you for sharing it.
I'm sorry you had to go through so much pain just because of who you are. Often we condemn what we don't understand or frightens us. Gay people, gay animals, they exist. A certain percentage of a population will be gay. This holds true from ancient times. Sadly many ancient "primitive" cultures can appear more tolerant and enlightened than modern ones. Kind of makes one wonder if we're going backwards of forwards sometimes. Some cultures revered their gay members and they enjoyed an elevated status in their society.
We've never met but I love your writing and sense of humor. Your father missed out, big time.
WOW! Your story made me cry.
I just want to hug you.
So emotional.
No Z, being gay isn't a choice, but how people treat their kids, gay or straight most definitely is.
As important as it is to reach out to your parents, it's more important to be who you are. I think that your father was scared for you. Parents get angry when they are scared. The try to scold and beat you into being what they consider safe and acceptable instead of supporting you for yourself. All you have left to do is forgive your father, like he asked. That's for you, not for him.
Thank you for the video in a way that didn't totally vilify your father. I admire you for that. Something about how you said it made me feel more sorry for him than angry, and I have to say that it must have been hard for him, too. All that societal pressure about what our children are like. It's better now, I suppose, but it's still there. (I'm not talking just about the sexual preference thing, here, but about everything). Anyway, I'm so sorry your family life didn't (and doesn't) live up to your dreams. People's rarely do, but most are at least a little better than yours. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for sharing! Very moving.
M&D
Hey Z, I just watched your video, and I know how difficult it must have been for you. I had a Turkish paypal friend for many years, since I was a kid, and he never talked to me again once I told him that I was gay, two or three years ago. It must have been very difficult to grow in such a country. In my country, things are not much different, but I didn't realize I was gay until I was much older and able to defend myself. Previously I thought all the guys liked other guys, but they said they liked girls because they were afraid...
Anyway, I lost my father recently too, and I always thought we were not close, that we were so distant. After he died, though, I realized how much he had loved me and it was so very difficult for me not to be able to talk to him after that and to tell him I really loved him!
Sorry for sharing, but I'd just like to say that I feel your pain.
Adam (mrelife.blogspot.com)
Hey Adam
Thank you so much for this.
I can imagine distance between your father & you.
I had that distance with my father as well.
I think you need to write your story for I'm from Driftwood.
It feels really good after.
It is like a closure.
Thank you for sharing your story. I love your funny and crazy side. But I love seeing this side of you even more. It's beautiful. Even though you've been through some painful experiences, you are able to turn it into positivity and laughter. You amaze and inspire me.
Thanks, Z. I'll think about it. It's not a light decision, anyway. My blog has been my way of telling my story, that in these last few days is a little more tranquil, but has been hectic!
By the way, your accent is adorable!
Adam (mrelife.blogspot.com)
Z, I have enjoyed your writing before today. I now understand a bit of the pain before the laughter. Wounded parents wound their kids. That's what so many of us know from experience. Peace be with you.
Excellent story, Z. Good for you that you're able to move on with your life and be who you are.
I had a child in my house this weekend (my daughter's friend's little sister)... age five, and looked exactly like a boy. Down to the short haircut, the Spider Man muscle shirt, and everything from the boy section. Her parents seem fairly enlightened to let her dress how she wants, even at age five. I hope that times have changed, at least in some places, to let kids who just know who they are from a very young age to be themselves.
I'm so sorry for all that you went through. No matter what, it's hard to lose a father.
Z, it's not a happy story but it's an honest one. I think most of us share the hurt you suffered and the fear and anger that our families directed at us. But now, you are a wonderful man, wonderfully funny too, with a very cute accent. I love reading about your life. When's your book coming?
Aaaaww! Thank you Ron :)
Book?! Recently I got so many question about book. Maybe in the future, I'm not there yet. I'm having so much with blogging now. :)
Aaaaww! Thank you Ron :)
Book?! Recently I got so many question about book. Maybe in the future, I'm not there yet. I'm having so much with blogging now. :)
Z, this was awesome to share this with us...most all gay men have ambiguous feelings about their father...this is so tender and caring I'm just a huge fan...Ur accent is nice...ur quite handsome..do u hav a boyfriend? GUY
I just saw this video, and I'm just floored. This was probably one of the most moving stories I've heard. Thank you for sharing.
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