I don't know about you but as far as I'm concerned good kisser is more valuable than good looking. I'm NOT kidding! If a guy is amazing looking but lousy kisser, he might as well be fat too, because bad kisser is useless!!!
In my short life I kissed so many guys. Some of them were wonderful kissers. When they kissed me, magically I had toe-curling orgasm right there. They knew kissing techniques. Well! I kissed so many monkeys too. They didn't even know what to with their lips and tongues.
I remember when I moved to NYC, I met a black guy at Starlight bar. I had never had a black guy before. I was excited to have some chocolate. At the same time I was scared because I heard scary things about black guy's genitalia. I was here in NYC and decided to take some challange. My black guy turned out exactly stereotype. Yes! It was huge! It was purple! It was beautiful! Let's call him Mr. Plantain! He was unfortunately a bad kisser. The problem with him was his tongue. It was as big and tick as his plantain. Yep! That made sense. He was very big in every way. He was so into french kissing. All those tongue actions made him aroused. He called french kiss "soul kiss". . Whenever my Mr. Plantain kissed me, he pushed his tongue into my throat. Swear to Fashion God!!! His tongue touched my tonsils and got the dust off them. It felt like I fingered myself to puke. Each time I was so close to barf. You know the feeling you want to puke but you can't. It just stays up there. Whenever he said " Babe! Let's soul kiss! BOO BOO!!" I got goose bumps & chills! I was becoming bulimic. After ten days I decide to say goodbye to him! He was a terrible kisser. I couldn't take it anymore.( Maybe main reason was having sore ass 10 days in a row! I can't remember now!!!)
How about my thin lips Polish date?!! The way too much air!!! Poor thing! He was pumping air while he was trying to french-kiss me. HELLO! I wasn't drowned! Why are you giving me mouth to mouth resuscitation!!!!! No choice to dump him! Sorry!!-:)
When I was living in my country I dated a guy who was into Eskimo kiss! What a WACKO! I never understood what was romantic about Eskimo kiss. First time it was interesting, after a while it got lame. He loved to get close with our faces less than a breath away. We gently rubbed our noses together. Isn't it sick?!! The most gross part when we came back home form ice weather.Of course we both had runny noses. He loved to give me eskimo kisses while our noses were running like 5 years weepy kids. It was simply DISGUSTING! Hellllooo! Am I your Kleenex??!! Of course I had to dump him ( although it was really difficult to break up with him. Fuck was great. I used my will power! I was proud)
The most bizarre guy was into flavor kiss. We put chocolate sauce or jam on our tongues and patiently french kissed each other. SUCK the jam! PUT ON MORE! Suck it again! Process clearly was so sweat!! Although he made me put chocolate sauce (or jam) on my obscene organs too and vice versa. Swear to bloggers GOD! I put up with him 8 days. We tried every fucking flavored jam, white chocolate sauce, dark chocolate sauce. You get the picture!!. At the end of 8 days I gained 6 pounds. I got countless sugar attacks and early symptoms of diabetic. Of course I kicked his ass and showed the door.What a freak! Why did I date him? There was no internet at that time. I was needy for good sex! Sucking jam didn't seem that bad idea in the begging!!!! Don't judge me!! I was HORNY!!!
OH! I shouldn't forget that Italian hunk. Great penis, Unbelievable kisser, Naughty fuck!!! But he has an obsession eating raw garlic. He thought garlic made him healthy. Uggh! That guy was eating raw garlic like M&M. When we did all tongue tricks, I inhaled fresh garlic fumes. GURK!! How many times I came so close to puke. He was so good in bed; I managed to make it work. Why did I dump him? I didn’t!!! He dumped me because last time we were kissing, I couldn't control myself and purged in his mouth. He dumped me for an unfortunate incident. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS? All those months I sucked garlic!!! He couldn’t handle my innocent puke! Well! Turkish meatballs I had eaten at lunch weren’t sexy at all!!! Still miss you my Garlic-Italiano!!! Sorry to barf in your sexy mouth!!! After that I learned that I need to be careful with my man's diet. No garlic & onion policy was born!!!!As I said I kissed so monkeys. It can go on and on. Earlobe kisser, foot kisser & sucker, hickey kisser. All I'm saying if you find a good kisser just stick with him!!!!!
8 TALK TO Z! COMMENT?:
The Blackout Blog is now taking applications for foot kissers and suckers. Please email me with at least 2 references.
So goddamned funny! And your take on the english language bumps this up to mach 1 *funny*. It would seriously not be the same if it was all grammer and spelling correct & shit. *Loved* it.
You always make me laugh with your take on life. Keep it up!
Those parakeets are throwing up into each other's mouths, if you want to get really kinky when you kiss.
Z, thank you. I am a huge fan of this sort of recreation.
I strongly believe that if a gentleman is kissing me we had better both end up breathless at the end. If not, we are not doing it right.
I just received a world class education in kissing, right here!
Those parakeets are throwing up into each other's mouths, if you want to get really kinky when you kiss.
Hey Z,
Kissing is fun and all, but flavor kissing? Something about that seems creepy.
Oh, kissing is such a lost art. And kissing is so wonderful. So is this post, wonderful and funny.
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