It was an perfect Sunday morning. I was very lazily lying around in my oversized sweatpants. I decided to do something useful and started going through my mail pile.
When I saw my American Express credit card bill. perfect Sunday wasn't that perfect anymore. As if bill were not high enough, I realized there was a charge which wasn't mine. DISPUTE!!
I don't like disputes but I can't afford things I didn't even buy. There was a purchase had been made online. WTF! It was Victoria's secret. I've never bought anything from them. Last time I checked still I didn't have boobies.
I decided to call American Express. Don't you hate calling 800 numbers and talking to a recorded voice like crazy people.
It makes me so tense. I was already irritated by $258.76 extra charge. Who needs this bullshit right now!!!?? I picked my blue card from my wallet and looked up toll free number.
1-800-blue-741
Why the HELL do they put "blue" there??? Can't they write simple numbers?? As if I would remember all those numbers by hearth!! As if That "blue" would make me memorize whole toll-free number. Hey Heellloo!!! I have more important things to remember in my life like hairdresser's number.
Who comes up these dummy ideas? Putting "blue" in the number doesn't make the number "special". Annoyingggg!!
Anyways! I dialed the number. Here it was one of those nice lady voices. I hated her voice already Her voice was so impeccable, joyful, gleeful.
I feel like saying " Lady! What kind of drug are you on?? I mean! Won't get ever depressed or tired?" ( Yuck! Too much happiness gives me nausea.)
She said " Hello from American Express!" My inner voice said " Hello Bitch! I'm here to dispute! Stop trying to get me soft!"
She continued " To better service , please say or enter 15 digits account number"
OK! Will do! I said " V-one, Sewiin, Seroo,Toowo, Treee, Toowuu, Fiiwee...." Gee!
She immediately got bitchy " Sorry! I didn't get that!!""
My inner voice!" WHAAAAT!!! Hello Lady! I'm from Turkey! Sure I have an accent! Sorriiyyy!!"
I repeated " V-one, Sewiin, Seroo,Toowo, Treee, Toowuu, Fiiwee...."
She said harshly " SORRY! I didn't get that! Please enter 15 digits account number"
My inner voice " Don't get pissy with me!! It is not my fault you speak first time with a Turkish person! Bossy BITCH! My accent is adorable! At least my boyfriend says so!!"
Unwillingly I entered DAMN number!!
She said " Please enter your personal security number" OH MY FASHION GOD! Shit! I don't remember that!!!
She immediately said "First four digit of you mother's maiden name"
Ohhh! She tries to make it up with me! She plays helpful! OKeeey! "
I entered the number. You can imagine my frustration at that point.
She started talking again " For information like balance,payment say Account summary"
I mumbled " Acoint Summrie!" She responded " OK! I didn't get that! Please say again!"
Aaaaww! Bitch! I'm tense here! Work with me!..
I repeated " Acoint Summrie!" She advised " OK! I didn't get that!"
Because you are dummy! You don't even get my accent!! She continued talking " Please say Payment or Balance summary or Pay by phone"
Awww! I'm loosing here. I said " Awrightt! Awrightww! Ugghh! Paiwment!"
Whore responded again " OK! I didn't get that!"
Cum on! Are you anti immigrant or MORON! I screamed " Paiwment! Paiwment! Paiwment!"
OMG! I was about to cry! And All of a sudden I farted!! It was loud, long & big. Have I ever mentioned I fart when I get tense. I know!!! My bowels have bizarre manners!!! I got angry because she made me fart.
I yelled "Luuk ! Waaat you did! You made me farrttt!"
She responded harshly " OK! I didn't get that! Please say again!"
WTF!!!! I said " Helluuu!! Is there aniboiiwy? Helluuu!
She impatiently said " OK! Please say representative!!"
OH MY GREY GOOSE GOD! Thank YOU! I happily said " Ripre-sensitive!"
She said " OK! I didn't get that! Please say again!"
I was screaming!!!" YOU!! MOTHER FUC... BLEEEP!!!! This is discrimination!!! So stupid! Can't you understand a foreigner!!!
I mean my accent is easy to understand. Not like I'm Chinese!!!"
Bitch responded " " OK! I didn't get that! Please say again!"
Whaaaat!!! I hung up!!! I needed a drink even though it was 11 am!!
Well! That's why MY ALCOHOL GOD created champagne!!!
16 TALK TO Z! COMMENT?:
Stupid recorded voice!! ~Shaking head~ Got to love them, the one time, I called one of our support companies, Dell or someone and my coworker buddy said, "Fucken phone!" in jest behind
And the voice said, "Now transfering fucken phone!" And I got a live really to god person!! :D
I hate those attendent things . . . with or without an accent, they are out of control!
Who invented these computer phone voices? First they insult us by implying that we are too dumb to realize that we are talking to a machine or, worse, that we LIKE talking to dumb machines. Yes, no matter how much we call our plethora of needless electronic toys "smart" we are dumb-a**s for being so dependent on them and the greedy freaks who peddle them.
Whoever invented these talking computers, may you rot in the same hell as the guy who invented the pay toilet.
OH MY FASHIONVICODANGREYGOOSEGOD! LOLLLLLL!!
American Express is okay but that answering lady is a total bitch, aldırma canım. :)
I like to say fuck off to them until they say "okay, I'll transfer you to a representative" not all of them do but it is very therapeutic to get to yell that at them for several minutes, and there is a bonus, those calls are all recorded so sooner or later someone at Amex will get to hear you screaming fuck off over and over. The whole thing resides in the desire of those companies to avoid paying a living breathing person for dealing with customers, the added plus is that so many people just hang up and give in that they see it as profit making potential.
No, AmEx isn't anti-immigrant. Technology can only do so much - like electronic, voice recognition phone robots who don't do well with heavy accents. Remember, we're ALL immigrants here in the USA.
Somewhere, in India, a 'slumdog not-a-millionaire' is looking back on his/her former job with a real 'we coulda told ya so' grin on their face!
I wonder: when all of the Jobs have been taken over by Phone-bots, Mow-bots, Vacuum-bots, and Doctor-bots - who will have any money to buy anything anymore? Does it mean we'll all get to live in that fabled 'Star Trek Future'?
Stanislaw Lem writes (in "Mortal Engines" - a collection of 'Fairy Tales', only for Robots!) "Ro, ro, ro your bot, gently down the stream."
Hmmmm....even Dragon Boat Races seem to be under assault. I think we've been insurected by a Hal 9000, whaddabout you?
It's not all immigrants they don't like. They love my German husband's accent, my Greekie one, gets a zero.
American Express can't be responsible if some idiot cannot even speak English to be understood; if this is the type of person who can't even communicate properly, then maybe they should go right to a real person to get some satisfaction.
To Mr Angry-- oh boy! You are cranky today. I guess!
Have you ever heard “HUMOR”?
Of course American Express is not responsible for that.
Clearly you have sense of humor.
Or do you have stock options with AMEX?
OH! Just a suggestion! Take vitamin B12!
It will clear up your crankiness! LOL
@ Mr Angry - This is not an 'idiot who can't speak English to be understood,' it's a person whose native language makes it hard to pronounce some words in the way a voice recognition system demands. Try going to Turkey (or any other country) and see if you can speak their language with no accent. And then see if you can get past one of these systems.
Mr Angrgy!!!
Z is one of those writers who most time, makes me laugh because even though he speaks Turkey, and I speak Cat, I understand him enough.
As was stated, this was humorous work, and it made me laugh because even the most "Uncle Sam American Apple Pie Joe" has had that phone call with the automated system that makes you want to scream, "Give me AlHad Dalamar from Rakenstan!!!!!"
With or without an accent these are horrible. I think they are just of terrible quality and shouldn't be used since they are not suitable for 1) native english speakers or 2) speakers of english as a second language.
turkish? WTF??!?
i thought you were russian! hahahaha...
my bad. sorry!
BTW, another funny, funny post!
Z, you're right...those automated operators don't understand certain regional dialects in the U.S., much less foreigners. If anyone has grandparents from parts of Appalachia or the deep South, some of those accents can be pretty thick. I saw an article in the newspaper from Hampton Roads about how the accent there screws up the automated phone service...and that's not even that thick of an accent, we just draw out vowels and drop "l"s in the middle of words.
Keep at it, Z, because you're right. The fact is that automated phone service is poor service.
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